The image above somehow perfectly captures how I have been feeling for the past couple of years and last few months especially. I have always had anxiety and depression since I can remember. I was always the oddball in and out of the family. Whether it was school, college or work – I stood out like a sore thumb. I go in and out of depressive episodes. I isolate myself and in turn it becomes a vicious circle of depression, a little healing and right back to the empty pit of darkness.
The past two weeks have been rough. Everything that could go wrong, went wrong. Any plans that I had, any that I was excited about fell through. Financially, mentally and physically – I’m in a bad place. I’m in a lot of debt due to my depressive episodes. I turned to my old shopaholic tendencies to have that little bit of dopamine rush thinking they would help. They did, but for a fleeting moment. Then, it would be back to that pit of sadness with an extra tinge of guilt and anxiety about the lost money and time. I have a ton of familial and personal responsibilities as well being a desi gal still living with her parents at 30 years old. The little help I was getting from sister has fallen through because she has been laid off and she is going through massive struggles herself in another country. Her being alone in a foreign country with no support in itself contributes to my stresses, anxiety an depression. Never knew sibling love was so strong that her breaking down, breaks me down even further.
I isolated myself, stopped talking and cried for hours and hours. However, in the midst of me crying, I realized I’m in the unfortunate position of being the strong support system needed for my family. I’m expected to stay strong and handle anything and everything in the family, though claimed otherwise by them.
So, per usual, I turned to crafting, however bad I am it, so be it. It is undoubtedly a relaxing and more importantly, a much needed distraction. I painted my entire display shelf in the living room, decorated it and did some DIYs. I even created some earrings with clay, I did some embroidery and I bought many plants. I decided that I can focus on all of these instead of my self and my problems. This maybe escapism at the moment, but sometimes – we all need an escape from our lives for a while. A mini break of some sort while still managing responsibilities. A psychologist or a dictionary would probably describe this as high functioning depression.
My point throughout this whole essay of my life is this – No matter where you are in life, no matter how bad things are, no matter how alone you feel: It is OK to want to escape for a little while you try to get yourself in order. It is OK to have breaks. It is OK to focus on yourself so you can get yourself in better shape. Whether its crafting, traveling, reading, writing or whatever your hobby is – it is OK to spend more time on it to center yourself. Our problems are not going anywhere. Taking care of ourselves is the first step towards taking care of our problems. I learnt this the hard way and way too late. I still struggle with the balance, CLEARLY, but made a tiny step towards self care. I hope anyone who reads this understands it is OK to take care of yourself first. The world will call you selfish and they definitely call me that, but I realized that if I wasn’t, I would not be capable of taking care of someone else, would I?
After all the lecture from above – Here are some of the stuff I made recently. They’re not great or good even. But, they gave me the relaxation and peace I craved for a long time.
Link to these kits in India : https://www.knotyourtype.in/
These earrings are made from air dry clay, moulds and paints from Amazon India found here:
Clay: https://amzn.to/4h1VxZ7
Paint: https://amzn.to/3C8N3Ae
Moulds: https://amzn.to/4hmRWVd
I hope any one reading this, finds your own peace and escapism tool, whatever it maybe. If you also just want a person to talk to, interact with me or shoot me an email at prettychica606@gmail.com. Let’s take care of ourselves first, others next.
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