I have always hurt the phrase “Hurt people, hurt people”. It always made sense to me. However, I always had that nagging question: Yes, it makes sense but does that justify or excuse it?
Growing up – I have had many people describe me in many hurtful ways. You’re an Ice Queen. You’re Selfish. You’re a narcissist. You’re self centered. You’re using depression as an excuse. Hearing it from so many people, I believed them. This is not to say everyone was wrong. It’s weird how when someone says anything wrong/poor about me- I believe it immediately and take forever to let go of it. But when someone says anything nice about me at all, I immediately thing – what do they want from me? why would they say this otherwise? Sometimes I would also think, there goes another victim. I have convinced someone I’m a nice person.
But looking back at my life and my actions over the years and after a ton of therapy – I can confidently say I maybe some of these things from time to time depending on the situation like every other person on the planet but I’m not a person with these traits all the time. I’m a kind, empathetic person.
The problem I have with many people these days is that they se depression, anxiety and other mental health issues / past traumas to excuse/ justify their poor actions. I have experienced this first hand many a times in my life. Since I was a child, I have always had people tell me whatever they could to hurt me and I would either break down or completely lose my shit and scream. This unfortunately would only result in me being looked at as the problem child. This was a vicious cycle where someone would hurt me on purpose, I would retaliate and then get blamed as a problematic person/child.
Over the years, I lost sight of who I was completely. I lost sight of who my grandfather wanted me to be. He would always tell me I needed to be a strong, independent woman who needs to stand her ground when I know I’m right and to follow my instincts/principles till I die.
I have had people tell me to my face in various different instances : it wouldn’t matter if I died, if it wasn’t for them – no one would even notice if i was gone, No one wants me there and I needed to leave, no one could ever love me, no one would ever want to even talk to me, I deserve to die without love and food and so many more things. The worst part of this was all these would come from multiple people I was very close to and really loved. I grew up believing I’m unloveable, no one wants me around and I don’t deserve anything.
I’m an ambivert in reality, more skewed towards introverted. This also was a sore point in my life because I never had friends that I could rely on as a support system other one single person I mentioned in my previous post. People would not even talk to me and decide that I’m a toxic, bitchy woman who is very uptight. They would then talk to me and tell me, i’m actually super sweet. We would become friends very quickly and like a switch flipped : they would suddenly not like me anymore. This has happened several times to me. Over time, I started to believe I’m a bad person, I’m a boring, unloveable person. I mean, if my own family can’t love me, who else can? I overcompensated in everything because of this. if I did more, they would surely like me more, right, right? Nope. You cannot make someone like you.
I still struggle with many of these thoughts. But one thing has changed. I am exhausted. I have never felt more mentally, emotionally or physically exhausted or done in my life. I repeatedly think, I shouldn’t exist. This would solve all my problems. Then the guilt would hit, what would happen to my parents? my sister?
This is why i chose therapy on purpose. I needed it. I fought for it. I wouldn’t still be here otherwise. I always believed every bad thing anyone has ever said to me. The good things never get registered in my brain. Therapy helped me understand the most important thing I never considered before. I AM NOT responsible for other people’s actions. I am responsible for myself. If i cannot forgive myself, if i cannot even like myself, how can I ever expect someone else to like me?
For anyone out there who has always felt like me – You don’t matter, no one needs you, no one wants you, you don’t have a purpose: one question is all that matters. Would I still be here if you didn’t matter? I don’t NEED any one to need you, want you. I don’t NEED to have a purpose. My purpose in life could be just loving yourself and providing yourself the life I deserve. It’s never easy to keep telling yourself this but believe me, live for you and only you. What you deserve, will find its way to you. Let’s go on , work on our issues and learn to live for ourselves. Always remember : ” Loving yourself is not vanity, it’s sanity”. Let’s go on this journey together of self love and self healing. For now, if you’re unable to tell your self you matter and you love yourself: Let me remind you. YOU MATTER. YOU’RE AMAZING AND YOU LOVE YOURSELF/ EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU.
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