Over the past few weeks since I started this blog, I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on how I’ve felt over the years versus how I feel now. And honestly? There’s a noticeable shift in how I see myself. Whether it’s for better or worse—I’m still figuring that out.
Growing up, I often saw myself as a loser. I wasn’t naturally good at anything—no artistic flair, no athletic skills, no academic brilliance. Looking back, I realize now that it wasn’t about talent; it was about patience. I never gave myself the chance to get better at anything. If I wasn’t immediately great at something, I quit. Singing, keyboard, table tennis, fashion design—I dabbled in all of them, but the moment I felt inadequate, I walked away.
The worst part? I constantly compared myself to others, especially my sister. She’s effortlessly gifted, talented, and everything I thought I wasn’t. In my mind, she was my competition. It felt like my parents naturally preferred her, and even when I was good at something, it never felt good enough next to her or my peers. That feeling of failure? It still lingers.
I’ve been through things—trauma I won’t describe here—but they shaped me. Or rather, I let them shape me.
Just a couple of days ago, I said these exact words to my therapist: I’m an abject failure. I’ve failed at everything—education, career, relationships. I don’t have anything to look forward to. And honestly? I still believe that in some ways. The habit of comparing myself to others is hard to shake. People weren’t kidding when they said: Comparison is the thief of joy.
I don’t have many close friends. My love life? Nonexistent. The only guy I ever had real feelings for rejected me outright, and I still struggle to move past it. And career-wise? The people I studied with—some of whom weren’t even doing that well in college—are now earning four or five times more than I do. They work at top companies, live in beautiful countries, and afford luxurious lives while I live paycheck to paycheck.
But here’s what I’ve started to understand in therapy: None of them are me. None of them have lived my experiences, my struggles, my pain. Yes, some people are doing better. But right now, my only job is to get through the day. And maybe—just maybe—one day, I’ll get to a place where I no longer care about where others are compared to me.
If you, like me, struggle with comparison, trust me—I get it. Jealousy happens. It’s human. But don’t let it define you. Don’t let it steal your joy. I did. And now, I’m slowly, but surely, unlearning that.
I hope you do too. Until next time, stay safe and happy healing!
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