Content Warning:
This post discusses suicidal thoughts, both passive and active. Please take care while reading. If you’re in crisis or need immediate support, consider reaching out to a mental health professional or helpline in your area.
Today, I’m going to admit something I don’t usually talk about—not with friends, not with family, and definitely not out loud.
Since my grandfather passed away when I was nine, I’ve struggled with both passive and active suicidal thoughts.
Fortunately—or maybe unfortunately, I still haven’t decided—when I was actively suicidal, it never worked out. Either something stopped me, or someone did. Once, it was my best friend who pulled me back when I needed it most.
What Does “Passively Suicidal” Mean?
Being passively suicidal means thinking about death, but without a plan or real intention to die. It’s different from being actively suicidal, where someone is seriously thinking about or planning to take their own life.
If you’re passively suicidal, you might:
- Wish you could go to sleep and not wake up.
- Feel like you wouldn’t care if something bad happened to you.
- Think the world would be better off without you.
- Feel numb, hopeless, or just… tired—but not take any steps to end your life.
These thoughts may not seem “urgent” from the outside, but they’re serious. They’re often symptoms of deep emotional pain, depression, or burnout. And they’re a signal that you deserve support and care, even if you don’t feel like you’re in a full-blown crisis.
Am I Passive or Active?
This is a hard question for me.
I don’t usually make plans—but I’ve thought about how I could do it. Still, the intent isn’t there. Or maybe it’s more honest to say: the courage isn’t.
So I guess I’d fall into the passive category. Most days.
What’s Keeping Me From Becoming Active?
Honestly? The people I love. That’s what pulls me back every single time.
Especially one person—my childhood best friend. When we were ten, we made a promise to each other:
“We’re not allowed to leave each other and go. We’ll be there for each other until the end, come hell or high water.”
That promise saved my life more times than I can count.
We don’t talk every day. Sometimes months go by. But when it matters, we show up for each other.
And every time the thoughts come creeping back in, I think of her. I think about how she’d feel if I broke our promise. About the heartbreak I’d leave behind.
Sometimes, keeping that promise feels like a heavy weight on my chest. But then I remember her two beautiful kids, who I love with my whole heart. I want to be around to watch them grow up. I want to grow old with my best friend and still be our quirky selves.
That dream, that hope—that’s what keeps me here.
What Can You Do If You’re Passively Suicidal?
- Talk.
It’s the most important thing. Say it out loud. Tell someone. Don’t carry it alone. - Build a support system.
If you’re like me and don’t have the strongest one nearby, that’s okay. You can build it. Join online communities. Reach out to mental health resources in your country. - Take baby steps.
You don’t have to run when others are sprinting. One tiny step a day is enough. One breath, one moment. That’s still progress. - Reconnect with joy.
Even if you’ve lost interest in everything, pick one thing. Try again. A drawing. A song. Ten minutes of something creative or comforting.
Crafting has been a lifeline for me. It keeps my hands busy and my mind quieter.
You’re Not Alone
If you’re reading this and you’re feeling passively suicidal, please hear me:
You are not alone.
There are more people than you know feeling the same way.
We may not all be okay right now, but we’re still here.
And we can get through this. Together, if need be.
Until next time,
Happy healing. 💙
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