It’s been a while since I spoke about what’s going on in my life, mostly because I don’t understand it myself anymore. I don’t know where I am mentally, what stage this is, or what exactly I’m supposed to do next.
I think I’ve reached a new stage of depression — one where I’m completely numb. Nothing really fazes me anymore. Someone wants to talk to me? Great. Someone wants to leave? That’s okay too.
I had a solid plan once. Save up. Go to Europe. Backpack across places I’ve only ever dreamed of seeing. Then decide whether I wanted to keep living or finally let go.
Now? I don’t even care about Europe anymore. I don’t even care enough to stop existing. I’m stuck in this strange trance where I’m unable to truly live, but equally unable to end anything either.
And this feeling seeps into every part of my life. I’m failing in aspect of my life. My career, my personal relationships including friendships, family or romantic.
I once took pride in my career. No matter how broken things felt personally, work was the one place where I felt capable. Useful. Needed. I was someone people relied on, someone seen as hardworking, dependable — sometimes even one of the best.
Now?
Now I feel like I’m looked at as incapable. Replaceable. Worthless.
The one part of my life that kept me going when everything else was falling apart feels like it’s slipping away too.
And that realization breaks me in ways I can’t even explain.
Maybe I failed. Maybe I need to start over completely. But the thought of rebuilding from scratch feels exhausting when I’m already struggling just to get through the day. I don’t know if I still have the energy, the ambition, or even the fight left in me anymore.
My dating life is a complete mess. I keep self-sabotaging or constantly questioning whether it’s fair to let someone deal with me while I’m going through whatever this is. Is it fair to me? Is it fair to them? I genuinely don’t know.
What I do know is that they’ve become one of the threads I’m desperately holding onto just so I can function. And that creates its own kind of guilt — because that’s an unfair weight to place on someone who already has battles of their own. I fear this ending, and I fear how I would react if it does. Maybe the numbness helps with that. But that can’t be a good thing, can it?
I read a line recently:
“Don’t ruin a good thing because you’re afraid it won’t end well.”
And honestly, it stayed with me.
Maybe this relationship will last. Maybe it won’t. Maybe I’ll change my mind about life someday. Maybe I won’t. I don’t know anymore.
But what I have realized is this: I no longer fear the unknown.
Yes, it’ll hurt if things fall apart. But ruining something beautiful simply because it might end badly isn’t living either.
And if I’m still here, if I’m still alive, then I want to live properly.
I want the small things that bring me joy.
I want the big moments that make me feel warm again.
I want to feel things deeply, even when it hurts.
Because life is unpredictable. Some days it’s numbness. Some days it’s grief that hits so hard I can barely breathe through it. But as long as I’m alive, I want to live on my terms and my terms only.
So yes — do what you want.
People will always have opinions. They’ll say things, leave things unsaid, come and go as they please. Don’t let that dictate how you feel or what you want from life.
It’s your life.
Your feelings.
Your rules.
Life is meant to be lived, not merely tolerated.
And for now, despite everything, I’m choosing to live it my way.
I hope you choose the same for yourself too.
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