The past few weeks have been nothing short of a nightmare. Both my personal and professional lives feel like they’ve hit rock bottom. Work has become so toxic that I dream of dramatically quitting and walking out. But reality hits hard—I can’t.
Why? Because I’m tied down. I have little to no savings, mountains of EMIs, and familial responsibilities as the child of Indian parents. I can’t even afford to take care of myself, let alone anyone else.
Spiraling into Debt – My Shopping Addiction
To cope, I’ve turned to my old vice—shopping. The temporary dopamine rush keeps me going, but it’s also sinking me deeper into the abyss of credit card debt. I’ve burned through all my mutual funds and pension savings just to pay off a fraction of what I owe. And the worst part? I don’t even know what I bought. I can’t remember. If my purchases never arrived, I wouldn’t even notice.
And yet… I. Can’t. Stop.
I know if I keep going down this path, I’ll destroy my credit, my job, my life, and even my family. I’ve been trying to work through this in therapy, but so far, it hasn’t helped as much as I need it to.
Drowning in Stuff, Starving for Stability
I have too many clothes. So many craft supplies. I even revamped my entire living room—new furniture, fresh paint, adding a touch of bling. And now that it’s done? My fingers itch to buy more. But here’s the kicker—I can’t. I’m completely broke.
How will I pay my bills next month? I don’t know. How will I handle basic expenses? I don’t know.
What I do know is that I cannot keep living like this.
My solution to all of this is turn to my favorite hobbies. Gardening, resin art, painting and interior decor. I also have reduced my credit card limits, put in more restrictions on the spending limits, locked my little savings in bonds/funds that do not allow me to break them at will.
Work Woes – The Breaking Point
I’ve worked 12-13 hour shifts for a year straight, only to receive the same review as someone who did nothing. I’m overworked and underpaid. And the final straw? Being told I’m not worth more. It shattered something inside me.
For days, I couldn’t speak without breaking down. My sister and I are estranged—the one person I could have talked to. My only two friends seem uninterested in my struggles, and honestly, I don’t blame them. They have good things going on; they don’t need my negativity.
Finding Strength Within
So, I turned to my therapist. She told me I need to build resilience from within. But how? I haven’t figured that out yet.
What I do know is this:
- I will not give in to dark thoughts.
- I will not let people define my worth.
- I will not let my job or my salary decide my value.
For years, I’ve based my self-worth on other people, money, and external validation. And even now, I still struggle. I still break down crying. But one thing remains—I never gave up. I still showed up for work. I still supported my family. I still functioned.
How long can I keep this up? I don’t know. But I will do everything I can to push forward. I have been constantly crafting in every free moment I get and that has been a giant distraction and help. For more context, refer to my other posts about crafting and if interested, try them out for yourself.
To Anyone Feeling the Same: You Matter
If you’re going through something similar, know this: You matter. Your struggles don’t define you, and your worth isn’t measured by your productivity or paycheck.
Even if all you can do right now is keep yourself afloat—that’s enough. You and I, we’re in this together. We will keep each other going. Until next time, take care and remember: You matter. To yourself, and to me. 🙂
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