Lately, I’ve been going through one of the worst depressive episodes I’ve had in months. But today? Everything just felt wrong. Everything went wrong.
The guy I was once in love with? He hasn’t stopped gushing about his wife and how amazing she is. And while I’m happy for him and don’t want him, what hurts is knowing that he is exactly how I once wished he would be with me—but he wasn’t. Or maybe I just wasn’t worth it.
Over the weekend, I met up with a couple of good friends. I genuinely loved spending time with them. But the entire time, I had a stress migraine gnawing at me. We talked about careers and life, and as much as I tried to stay present, my mind spiraled. They’re younger than me, in better places, and far more talented. My brain panicked. The migraine hasn’t left me since. Still, I told myself I was just being too hard on myself and tried to push through.
Then came today.
I made major mistakes while driving to work. No one was hurt, but I scratched a car and an auto while maneuvering. Driving has always been a huge source of stress and anxiety for me. I just got my license and have been practicing with my dad. Not ideal, I know. It’s happened a couple of times now, and I’m beginning to think maybe driving just isn’t for me.
For someone who dreams of being a hyper-independent woman, this realization stings. It makes me feel like a failure. I was already feeling that way, and this just cemented it. Every bit of confidence I thought I had built over the past few months? Gone in a day.
Somehow, I convinced myself to go to work anyway. But I absolutely sucked at it. I couldn’t figure out my task, and I still haven’t finished it. That felt like the final nail in the coffin: I can’t seem to get anything right. I’m fit for nothing.
I broke down in the office bathroom. No one noticed. No one cared.
I usually try to end my posts with something positive—some small reminder to hold on. But today, I find myself in a void. A void that won’t let me do that.
To whoever is reading this, I hope you never feel this void. And I pray I find my way out of it soon.
Until next time—stay safe and happy healing.
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