I’m turning 30 in three days. This milestone has been weighing heavily on my mind for the past few weeks, even months. I’m not Mother Teresa, but as I reflect on my life, I realize that I have never truly indulged in my own desires or wants. Time and time again, I have chosen someone else’s wishes over mine—not just in small, everyday decisions, but in the major crossroads of life.
As I search my past for moments where I wholeheartedly pursued something I truly wanted, I come up empty. I don’t know if this is a gap in my memory or if such moments simply never happened. There were so many dreams my younger self once had, so many ambitions that never materialized.
Since the age of eight, I wanted to be a programmer who combined fashion and technology. Today, I am neither a skilled programmer nor involved in the fashion-tech world. I wanted to study fashion design and styling, but my parents forbade it, convinced that I was a quitter—an unfair judgment based solely on me quitting classical singing at the age of six, something I truly hated. I wanted to learn the guitar but was forced to learn the keyboard instead. I became good at it but had to quit because my sister did. I loved table tennis and was prepared for competitions, but once again, I had to quit because my sister did. I wasn’t allowed to pursue things that my sister didn’t.
Since third grade, I dreamt of pursuing an MS in the US. Did I get to do it? Of course not. My family had no money or collateral for me. My sister had already taken that opportunity, securing a massive loan backed by borrowed collateral. My only option was to secure a full-ride scholarship, but life’s traumas prevented me from even trying. So, my dream of studying abroad never came to pass. I wanted to backpack across Europe. I had saved money for it, but as the child of Indian parents, personal savings were never truly personal. Responsibilities took over, and my savings vanished. I don’t fully blame my sister, but my parents? That’s an entirely different essay.
The point of all this? I’ve realized that I sacrificed my dreams, desires, and passions for everyone else—never for myself. The result? I am now a completely lost 30-year-old, too afraid to dream, too hesitant to set goals. I have lost interest in everything. I’ve been thrown into a relentless existential crisis, unable to find a way out. The realization hit me like a brick wall: I lost myself. I can look back and conclusively say that I never truly pursued anything I wanted, and now, I no longer know what I want. I have nothing to my name, even after a decade of working. I live paycheck to paycheck, often relying on credit cards just to get through the month.
For anyone remotely going through something similar—please, do not bend so much that you break. It is okay to be a little selfish. It is okay to prioritize yourself. It is okay to put yourself first. I have felt completely broken, never feeling enough for anybody. I have always been a second choice at best, a backup plan at worst—even to my own family.
I desperately needed therapy, and my therapist told me something that stuck: “You need to stop viewing dissociating and detaching from people as selfish. See it as self-preservation. You cannot help others if you haven’t helped yourself. If you keep taking on more than you can handle, you will never be enough because you’re starting from a place of depletion. Instead of pushing yourself to give 98%, start by giving 50%. If you have always given 98%, others will still demand 100% without caring that you need 2% for yourself. Other people’s opinions on what you should or shouldn’t do don’t matter as long as you’re not harming anyone.”
My 30th birthday and therapy have made me realize that it is okay to focus on myself. If that makes me selfish, so be it. No one is going to show up for me, but I will show up for myself. I will stand for myself, and for those who need help standing up for themselves. For years, I believed I was worthless, useless, and unlovable. Maybe that still holds some truth. But now, I also believe that, whatever I am, I exist for a reason. I will get through this, and I won’t let my past define me any more than it already has.
For anyone going through something similar—please remember, we set boundaries for a reason. It is okay to focus on yourself until you feel ready to give again. It is okay to be slightly selfish. It is okay if you haven’t achieved what you once hoped to. It is okay if you never do. The only thing that truly matters is this: Are you content with who you are? If yes, then that is enough. If not, take a step back, give yourself grace, and allow yourself the rest and self-care you deserve.
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