The Month Everything Fell Apart
The past month has been nothing short of a roller coaster. Between work stress, job hunting, and back-to-back rejections, life decided to throw in a family tragedy for good measure. Panic attacks have become my unwanted companions, and insecurity and embarrassment follow me everywhere I go.
I’ve been seriously job hunting for weeks — and bombing the few calls I manage to get so hard that I’ve started questioning my entire existence and the past decade I’ve spent in this industry.
The truth is, I’ve never been passionate about my field, but I need the money. Each rejection chips away a little more at my confidence.
Watching Everyone Else Move Forward
My juniors are making more than me. People I once interviewed and trained are now being paid double my salary. One by one, teammates are leaving for better opportunities — while I remain stuck, unable to crack a single offer.
I came close once. I had high hopes. I was told I was selected. For a brief moment, the fog lifted — maybe I wasn’t useless after all.
But then came the silence.
The HR ghosted me, and my fragile hopes came crashing down.
I wanted to disappear. I stopped attending interviews. I couldn’t bring myself to face another rejection or another blow to my already fragile self-worth.
💬 “Maybe I’m not useless after all,” I told myself — right before the silence came.
Grieving and Guilt
Just when I thought I had reached my breaking point, life dealt its final blow.
My uncle passed away — multiple heart attacks, moments of hope, and then, a sudden end.
He was a wonderful person, one of my favorite uncles. I haven’t recovered. What hurts the most is the guilt — we weren’t on good terms before he died. The last time we spoke, it was a fight. That regret eats away at me every day.
💔 “The last time I spoke to him was a fight.”
Losing Direction, Losing Myself
Right now, it feels like life is falling apart. I’m questioning everything — my career, my choices, my purpose.
Is this industry for me? Probably not.
But then, what is?
I don’t know. I have no special talents, no clear goals — just a sense of being stuck between what I should do and what I want to do.
It feels like I’m back at square one of my healing journey.
Will things get better? I honestly don’t know.
Will I survive this? I hope so.
Healing Isn’t Linear — and That’s Okay
This page has always been my safe space — a way to document my journey, whether I’m moving forward or falling apart.
To anyone out there who feels like they’re taking one step forward only to fall ten steps back — you’re not alone.
🌿 Healing isn’t linear. Sometimes it’s messy, painful, and uncertain. But it’s still healing.
I’m finding it hard to navigate life right now, but I keep reminding myself:
I’ve done this before, and I can do it again.
And if I can, so can you.
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