Publicly Journaling Again
It’s been a while since I last posted—or should I say, publicly journaled. My previous post was about the string of rejections I faced while trying to switch jobs. After weeks of self-doubt and disappointment, I finally received some good news. I cracked two interviews.
For a moment, it felt like proof that maybe I wasn’t completely useless after all.
But then came the twist—I had to choose between the two offers.
My overthinking brain went into overdrive. What if I chose one and something went wrong with the other? What if I was making the wrong decision altogether? I even began questioning my choice to leave my current job. I had the perfect opportunity to step up, to take on a leadership role. They were willing to retain me and even match the offer.
Still, I chose to walk away. I had spent my entire career there. No matter how comfortable it felt, I knew it was time for a change.
Dilemma and Anxiety
Logically, I understand that I don’t owe loyalty to a company I haven’t even joined yet. And yet, I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt rejecting the first offer—the one that came through when I was at my absolute rock bottom. The second offer made more sense on paper: better compensation, better benefits, a better structure.
I chose it.
What I didn’t expect was everything that followed.
At my current job, I had formed an invaluable friendship with a colleague—someone who became my rock, my safe space, my entire support system. The thought of not having her around every day sent my mind spiraling. What would I do without that constant support? Slowly, I started questioning every decision I had made.
My panic attacks became more frequent. The second offer faced multiple delays and issues. The fear of being unemployed crept in and grew louder each day. Even though I technically still had time, my anxiety multiplied. Panic and dread became daily companions.
Then came background verification. I missed an email and didn’t start the process immediately. In my mind, this became a catastrophic failure. My brain kept repeating the same terrifying thought: You’re losing the offer.
I’m still hoping—praying—that isn’t true.
Even the thought of going back to job hunting feels unbearable. And if I do manage to join this new role, another fear waits patiently behind it all: Can I actually do this? Am I skilled enough?
Only time will tell.
Realization
I made mistakes during this entire process. Can I change them? No. Can I fix them now? No. Will everything work out the way I hoped? I genuinely don’t know.
Anxiety, medication, and panic attacks have become familiar parts of my life. I don’t have a support system I can truly lean on—neither friends nor family. Everyone has their own lives, or perhaps they simply don’t care in the way I need them to.
On top of everything, there was intense family drama unfolding in parallel. At my lowest points, dark thoughts began to creep in—quiet, persistent, and frightening. I realized how alone I felt, not having anyone to accompany me through even the smallest things in life.
And then a difficult truth hit me: I came into this world alone. I’m living it largely alone. And one day, I will leave it alone.
As painful and pessimistic as that sounds, this realization changed me.
Instead of fighting it, I began leaning into my own company. I started going to movies alone. Shopping alone. Attending workshops that interested me, alone. Do I still feel lonely sometimes? Absolutely. Do I still feel deeply sad on certain days? Of course.
But have I begun to enjoy my own presence—even a little? Yes.
That shift changed my mindset. I stopped seeing myself as a victim of circumstances and started accepting who I am and what I can build for myself, on my own terms.
A Note to Anyone Struggling
If you’re going through a rough phase in your life, I hope you hear this:
You are enough.
You don’t need to prove your worth to anyone except yourself. Learn to sit with yourself. Enjoy your own company. We come into this world alone, and we leave it alone—but everything in between can still be meaningful, beautiful, and yours.
Embrace it.
Own it.
Make your life your own.
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