What is my worth?
A question that has intrigued me for as long as I can remember.
One I have never been able to answer.
One I keep asking,
wondering…
Will I ever?
What is my worth?
Who gets to decide?
Me,
or the world?
A question I’ve carried with me
since the day I was born.
Self-respect.
Self-worth.
Self-esteem.
Different names,
the same meaning.
But what do they mean to me,
I wonder,
with every fibre of my being.
Life is full of ups and downs.
Does my worth change with them?
Does it rise and fall
with every success and every failure?
I watch my smiles turn into frowns.
My eyes fill with tears.
My hands begin to tremble.
And somewhere along the way,
my sense of worth
comes crashing down with me.
Lately,
I see the people around me trying.
They check in.
They show me they care.
They remind me I’m loved.
Yet I’m unable to tell them
how empty I feel inside.
How do I explain that
I am grateful—
truly, deeply grateful—
and yet,
all I seem capable of doing
is comparing.
Comparing myself
to people who seem content,
who seem to know where they belong.
And then there’s me.
Numb.
Quiet.
Dead inside.
A glimpse of happiness.
A sliver of affection.
I spend so long yearning for them.
Yet when they finally find me,
I can’t hold onto them.
I can’t enjoy them long enough.
My mind keeps wandering.
Wondering.
Questioning.
Am I worth being alive?
I can’t fully appreciate
the people who love me.
I can’t understand
why there are people who despise me.
But who am I kidding?
I don’t even like me.
So the question remains.
What is my worth?
Will I find the answer
before I lose myself completely?
I don’t know.
Will I ever?
Only time will tell.
I’ll either be here
to hear the answer…
or be lost to the world
before it ever comes.
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