The last few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions.
I took time off work that was making me more depressed and completely destroying my self-worth and self-confidence. I flew to Canada to stay with my sister. She is taking care of me hand and foot, and I’m so grateful for that.
Yet, other than fleeting moments of happiness, I feel empty and completely broken. Sad. A shell of the person I used to be.
She rightly wants me to talk, have fun, and be happy. After all, she is spending a lot of money on me. Rather than making me happy, it makes me feel like a burden.
I don’t care about life anymore. Why should she spend money and energy on me?
How do I tell her?
I feel guilty and ungrateful.
Feeling Invisible
So many other things have been plaguing my mind.
Most of the time, I’m out of coverage. When I come back online, there isn’t a single notification from anybody on any platform.
Friends I considered family—people who know exactly what I’m going through—haven’t even bothered to check in.
Even work.
No messages. No questions. No “How are you doing?”
It’s like I’m not needed at all.
No one has reached out.
It’s like I don’t even work there anymore.
Will I still have a job when I get back?
It’s almost like I vanished from people’s lives and nobody even noticed.
Not even my office.
Am I that forgettable?
Am I that unimportant?
I’ve been told I’m hard to love, hard to live with, hard to be friends with. I agree with all of that.
But I’m also human.
I have emotions too.
It always hurt, but now I can physically feel the pain.
The pain of being alone.
The pain of not fitting in anywhere.
The pain of not being loved.
The pain of not belonging.
They’re all chasing me—or maybe they’re finally catching up to me.
No matter how fast I run, no matter how much I distract myself, it’s like a little voice constantly whispering:
“You’re never escaping the pain.”
Watching Someone Else’s Happiness
Another bitter thing plaguing my mind is something I’m ashamed to admit.
In Canada, I’m living with my sister, her husband, and my darling nephew. I love all of them to death. I’m so happy for my sister for building and nurturing such a lovely family.
The cute fights. The bad fights. The patch-ups. The love. The care. The concern. The effort.
Everything.
I’m not jealous.
Watching them fight and get back together, go about life happily, and enjoy every moment. Watching my nephew run to his mom and dad out of pure love and affection.
It all makes me feel good.
But it also makes me feel something I’m ashamed of.
It makes me feel depressed and sad as hell.
Grieving a Future I May Never Have
The realization that I’m never going to be someone’s wife, that I’m never going to be a mother, has sunk in hard.
And that?
I can’t put into words the heartbreak it’s giving me.
I don’t even know if I’m wife material. Considering nobody loves me enough to make me one, it’s probably safe to assume I’m not.
I don’t think I have the patience or calmness needed to be a mother either.
But damn, do I want to be both of those things.
I thought I had finally found somebody who would give me what I’ve been longing for.
But now, that hope feels like a sandcastle built too close to the shore.
Beautiful for a moment.
Something I admired.
Something I believed would last.
Then the waves came in.
And it was gone.
Just like that.
I keep trying to hold things together, yet everything I touch seems to fall apart.
I keep chasing the same things: love, care, affection, peace, and a sense of belonging.
Every single time, the story feels the same.
I’m almost there.
I can almost reach it.
And then, poof.
It disappears as though it was never there in the first place.
Maybe that’s what hurts the most.
Not that I’ve never had those things.
It’s that I keep getting close enough to believe they’re finally mine.
Only to lose them all over again.
My other sister has finally moved on and found someone leagues better than the guy before. I haven’t seen her this happy in a very long time.
I’m grateful.
I’m genuinely happy for her.
Yet it still hurts that I can’t seem to find that for myself.
The Questions That Never Leave
I keep going back to the same questions, over and over, in circles.
Am I that bad?
Am I that unlovable?
What is my worth?
I may never know the answers.
Maybe life is not meant for me.
Or maybe this is the life I deserve.
Whatever the answer may be, all I feel right now is pain.
Hoping for the Best, Preparing for the Worst
One day, when I look back on this chapter of my life, I want to be able to say that I made it.
That I got through the pain.
That I survived the loneliness.
That I kept going even when I couldn’t see a reason to.
For once in my life, I want to feel normal—or whatever you call a person who doesn’t have debilitating depression and anxiety.
Someone who wakes up without a battle already raging inside their head.
Someone who has a support system.
Someone people check in on.
Someone people choose.
Someone that people at least like.
Not even love.
Just like.
For now, I’m hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.
Either life wins or I win.
I’m still waiting on the answer.
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