My last post was one that had some optimism and positivity.
I truly believed that everything could become better.
I was better.
I was more optimistic and hopeful. Full-on believing I could tackle all the problems waiting for me back home.
But life, as always, had other plans.
Coming Back Home
As soon as I landed in India, I became ill.
Like, very ill.
I could barely function.
I had to take more time off, risking my job.
I eventually went back to work, and what do I hear?
Complaints.
People who were supposed to take my place didn’t do a good job, but somehow it’s on me.
Apparently, I should have equipped them better.
Even though I listed everything.
Even though I told them what to do before I left.
Does it matter to management?
Nope.
Of course not.
I already don’t enjoy the industry or this particular job. But unfortunately for me, I have debts to pay.
Lots of them.
My job is currently hanging on by a thread, ready to break with the smallest mistake.
My Career Is Falling Apart. So Are My Finances.
My work life was falling apart, so I looked at my finances.
They’ve hit rock bottom.
Mostly because of me spending almost a lakh in a month just shopping so that I can feel the smallest bit of dopamine.
It has always worked.
Albeit temporarily.
But today?
I spent almost 40k.
Money I don’t have.
Still spent anyway.
Just to feel something.
I bought so many clothes I’m never going to wear anywhere because I have no social life whatsoever.
Why did I buy them?
For that tiny bit of a dopamine rush.
However, I’m so lost and broken today that it didn’t make an iota of difference.
So I kept shopping, hoping I’ll feel something.
I never did.
Losing the Future I Thought I Had
In addition to my dead-end career and bad finances, another reason I feel so lost and broken is because of my now-ended romantic relationship.
I came back from Canada believing we were good.
Life was going to get better.
I had imagined a life with my partner.
A loving partner.
Getting married.
Having kids.
Finally having my own family with someone who chooses me for me.
Overnight, I lost it all.
My dreams are shattered.
My heart is broken.
My mind is numb.
For me, more than losing my partner, losing someone to come home to, build a family with, and love so wholly and fully has truly shattered my heart into a million pieces.
Will I ever be able to put myself back together?
Right now, it seems impossible.
But life needs to go on.
Spending my life wondering why I’m never enough for somebody, never the chosen, never wanted—whether it’s romantic relationships or any other relationship—has been so painful that I can’t breathe.
I’m Angry. Mostly at Myself.
In addition to being heartbroken, I feel angry.
More angry at myself than at him.
I let him treat me that way.
I gave chances because I truly do love him.
At least, maybe I loved him until now.
Hearing a loved one tell you they don’t feel anything when they’re with you, that they don’t want anything from you, that they’re so numb that your presence doesn’t make a difference…
It feels just—
cruel.
I can’t think of another word for it.
Why did I let myself get here?
I should have known better.
I always thought I was a good judge of character.
Turns out, I’m an idiot.
I can clearly see it when it comes to other people. But when it came to me, I made the same mistake my sisters did.
I made someone else the center of my life and happiness.
Something that should never, ever have been the case, no matter who it is.
Depression, Anxiety, and Feeling Like a Zombie
Every minute of every day, I’m anxious, depressed, stressed.
My hands forever tremble.
I’m in chronic neck pain.
Worst of all?
My depression has led to serious health issues—constant nausea, vomiting, even water, tension in my neck and shoulders, dizziness, and mental dissociation.
What makes all of this even harder is that I have no solid support system.
No friends who care enough for me to turn to.
A dysfunctional family who don’t understand me.
A job that makes it a point to make me feel worthless every day.
I’m trying to get help.
I take meds.
I go to therapy.
Every time I think I’ve made some progress with my mental health, it’s like life goes:
“Hell no, girl. You’re only going to get worse.”
My entire world is falling apart around me, and I don’t know what to do.
I cry.
I sleep.
I try to work.
Rinse.
Repeat.
I’m Not Okay
I hurt so much right now that I want to disappear.
I want to cease to exist.
And honestly, that scares me.
I’m so done that I’ve given up the idea that I’ll ever get better.
The reality of everything has hit me, and I’m unable to cope.
I’ve dissociated so much that I’m a zombie or a robot—functioning on autopilot.
I’m not okay.
I’m not good.
I can’t even pretend anymore.
So yeah.
I don’t know what I’m going to do.
I’m truly lost.
But somewhere underneath all this pain, there is still a part of me writing these words.
A part of me trying to make sense of what happened.
A part of me still hoping that maybe, one day, I finally will get better.
I don’t know when.
I don’t know how.
Right now, I don’t even know if I believe it.
Maybe i’ll get better one day or die trying.
But I’m still here.
And for today, maybe that’s enough.
Leave a Reply