Not Everyone’s cup of tea
I’m not everyone’s cup of tea,
I grew up hearing this from everyone,
And every time I wonder what it is they could see
something i’m unable to find –
if only someone would be kind,
Kind enough to let me know what is wrong with me?
Sometimes it’s all fine,
Sometimes it all makes sense
But sometimes self care isn’t just a face mask and some wine.
Sometimes, it’s surviving your own mind.
I’m hiding behind smiles and nods,
But deep inside im tired of the facades.
I try every day to become better than before,
Yet I’m terrified I’ll love someone
Who simply won’t love me anymore.
Because that’s what I’m used to—
People leaving after fake promises,
Temporary love wrapped in permanent damage.
I’m afraid to let anyone go,
Yet fate keeps proving
That losing people is all I’ll ever know.
I’m not everyone’s cup of tea.
I repeat those words endlessly in my head,
Standing alone in the waves of the sea,
Reliving every painful thing that was said.
I’ve always felt like I was never enough.
But what is enough?
Who decides what’s right for me or you?
Maybe this is just another lesson life forces us through:
Life is tough.
I’m not everyone’s cup of tea.
But what does that even mean?
My brain understands the reality of it,
Yet my heart still wonders
What our relationship could have been.
I look in the mirror every day
And hate what I see.
Wondering if this emptiness
Is all life will ever be.
As if I was born without a choice,
Without a voice,
Without a say in who I become.
I hate when Im used,
I hate what I feel,
Because most times I love myself confused.
I’m excellent at inviting people into my life,
But terrible at convincing them to stay.
So I nailed shut every door.
Built walls around my heart.
Constructed staircases to different floors,
Decorating every room
With a different piece of painful art.
Sometimes I wonder
If I’ll ever be someone’s first choice.
Someone’s priority.
Someone’s safe place.
Then I realize
Most of these thoughts
Are simply noise.
Grass is always greener on the other side,
what’s on the other side of depression and self loathing,
I’m afraid I will find out and it will hurt my pride.
I was born to be a lover
Yet forced to be the one who got away,
I’m excellent at inviting people into my life,
Horrible at convincing them to stay.
I nailed down a door,
Built walls to my heart,
built steps to different floors,
Decorating every room with a different piece of painful art.
I wonder if I will ever be someone’s first choice,
the first priority, the go to person,
I realized finally that all those thoughts are simple my brain’s noise.
I’m not everyone’s cup of tea,
i feel like i’m drowing in the sea,
Will anyone lend a hand,
pull me ashore to the nearest land.
With every breath I take,
the harder is it for me to continue living,
I wish I could take a break,
With every fiber of my being.
What am I missing,
What am i not seeing,
why am i no one’s cup of tea,
Is this all I will ever be?
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